this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Everyone says I win the strip club
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
