I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
