Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
