you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Jerry, you need to find god
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
