I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
