if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
