I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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