wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
