Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
