My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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