i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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