Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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