My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
