i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
