Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
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Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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