I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Why is your signature on my underwear?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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