I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
