I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Rumble strips road head = magical
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
