tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
