Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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