Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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