there's paper in my vomit.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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