At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
