I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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