end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
