i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
