Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
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wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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