Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
