I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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