I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
