Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
BRING THE BAGELS
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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