You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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