On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
