I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
