My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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