i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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