The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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