It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
