I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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