I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
