Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
a search helicopter?!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.