I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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