Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
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Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.