I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Farmville is her only friend.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
