I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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