He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
bring money and cleavage
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
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