how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
