My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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