my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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