the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
