Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
