remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
