I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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