No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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