I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Say something about gay babies.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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