i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
