he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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