I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
